the Wedding

Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.

He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

The Doctor

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics,"
says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

Jokes, the army

Fifty-one years ago, Herman, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Joke: fuzz

Two prostitutes were standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked
up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've
been swung around by the tits!"

Jokes: St. Finger

Thanks to Unc Wes for this story:
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way
home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very
sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight,
skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous,
so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I
would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his
composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would
like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in
nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons," the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I
would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist
on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates,
St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took a bus.

Jokes: we're from the government, we're here to help

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really
sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look
into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he
had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic
process but he wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was
lick it. God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

Testicle Joke

Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered
by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started
to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across an old country
doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches ...
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against
the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible
headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove
your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he
had anything to live for.  He couldn't even concentrate long
enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live
a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I
need ... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit", and picked one out.

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...
size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the suit and
it fit him perfectly.

As Joe admired himself, the salesman said,
"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a
16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
said, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said,
"Let's see 9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman said,
"How about some new underwear?

"Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I
was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34.
A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your
spine and give you a hell of a headache."

Jokes: Guilty

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day
to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world
problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really
got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at
the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last
of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and
behold! --there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world
happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and,
at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'
and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Aww, baby, don't be like that

The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was
best for both of them.  However, on the way to the Airport a
rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up
was.

At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing
you cheap bastard."

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he
shouted back "Hey baby.  Don't be like that.  If you ever work
this town again, give me a call."

----------------------------------

A popular cheerleader bounced into the local card
shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.

"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?"
she asked.

"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's
a new one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry."

"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

Jokes under the table

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces
away noticed that John was suddenly and silently sliding
down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite
unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but
I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh,
no he didn't.  In fact, my husband just walked in the front
door."

condoms and cigs

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack
of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts
smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't
smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb
that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also
sell condoms here."

Good medical plan

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working
in. He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating
non-stop, and asks the doctor why the man was doing such a thing
out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the
sperm builds up quickly in his body, he has to masturbate
constantly or he will explode."

"Oh, I see," says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on
a stretcher getting a blowjob from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with that?"

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."

His name is Mat

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her
life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE
LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING
QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail... all to no avail.
None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to
find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no
legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in
bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

You'll be disappointed

A sixth grade teacher asked her class, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time until Mary stood up, angry,
and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question
like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will tell the
principal and you will get fired!"

The teacher ignored her and asked again,
"Which part of the body increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"

Finally, Geoffrey stood up and said that the part of the
body that increases 10 times its size when stimulated Is
the pupil of the eye.

"Very good." The teacher said, then turned to Mary and said,
"As for you young lady, I have 3 things to say:
#1 you have a dirty mind,
#2 you didn't read your homework, and
#3 one day you will be very disappointed!"

Golf joke

One day, a man came home from work and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

Prostitute joke

Thanks to Chris for this story: An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace O this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again,"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Wake up

Thanks to Rubye for this story:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, lived a beautiful
Queen with magnificent, voluptuous breasts.

Troy the Dragon slayer coveted them but he knew that the
penalty for fulfilling his wildest desire would be death,
should he ever try to touch them.

One day Troy revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Albert the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Albert exclaimed that he could very easily arrange for Troy
the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost
Troy 1000 gold coins for him to arrange it.

Without pause, Troy the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to
the scheme.

The next day, Albert the Physician made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere
while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address
this incident, Albert the Physician informed the King and
Queen that he knew of this itch and that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this dreadful
scourge, and that his tests had shown that in the whole
kingdom only the saliva of Troy the Dragon Slayer was
of the correct type to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Troy the Dragon Slayer.
Albert the Physician had prepared an antidote in advance
and given it to Troy the Dragon Slayer, who concealed it in
his jerkin and for the next four hours, Troy worked
passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent
breasts. He then smuggled the antidote into his mouth and
the Queen's itching was gradually relieved, and Troy the
Dragon Slayer left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Troy the Dragon Slayer
found Albert the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Troy the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Albert the Physician could never report this
matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Albert the Physician slipped a massive dose
of the same itching powder into the King's underpants.

The King immediately summoned Troy the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story? - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay your bills.

Mama needs a new bra

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to
walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very
attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The
dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips
naked from the waist up, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Momma needs a new bra!" She then
begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the
dealers.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money
and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were
watching the dice!"

Paradise

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out,
"they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this
is paradise. They are Russian."

A Sucessful Marriage

It's John and Anne's 25th wedding anniversary and they are in the
same hotel room in which they spent their honeymoon.

Anne looks seductively at John and asks him, "What were you
thinking when you first saw me naked in this very room 25 years
ago tonight?"

John says, "I was thinking that I would like to screw your brains
out and suck your breasts dry."

Anne asks, "And what are you thinking now as I'm standing naked
in front of you after 25 years of marriage?"

John says, "Looks like I did a good job of it."

Good Advice

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."