Mahopac man charged in attack on family's goats

Mahopac man charged in attack on family's goats:

MAHOPAC - Gail Fiero said her family was devastated on Thanksgiving morning to find that their three pet goats had been abused: held down and spray painted, then sickened by eating several magazines left behind by their abuser - pornographic magazines at that.

"We feel terrible about it," she said yesterday. "These animals are part of our family and to think that someone intentionally hurt them is horrible. I'm heartsick about this. I can't imagine that someone would have so little regard for life."

Drew A. Gagnon of Mahopac, 37, is due in Carmel Town Court on Monday, charged with third-degree burglary, a felony, plus three misdemeanor counts of animal-cruelty and one of third-degree criminal trespass, police said. A 34-year-old friend police said drove him to the scene faces a misdemeanor criminal-facilitation charge.

Gagnon is accused of breaking into the Fiero barn on Croton Falls Road about 2 a.m. Thursday, spray painting the three goats in their genital area with bright orange paint and leaving the magazines, police said.

"They weren't the nicest magazines," said police Lt. Brian Karst, who said Gagnon may have been involved in some kind of ongoing harassment of the Fiero family.

The Boer goats - two males and a female -got sick after eating the magazines, according to their veterinarian.

In a letter to Carmel police, the vet, Dr. Stacey R. Dallas of Roxbury, Conn., said the animals' health was endangered.

"The goats were spray painted with potentially toxic paint, which, once absorbed into the circulatory system, could have life-threatening effects on the gastrointestinal system, kidneys and nervous system. The noxious fumes inhaled could also have detrimental effects on their respiratory system," Dallas wrote. "The spray paint was applied specifically on the genitalia of the goats making it blatantly obvious that these animals were tortured."

Fiero, 58, said her son, Bryce, 32, owns the goats, and the family was only happy that her two grandchildren were not the ones to discover what happened.

"But they were quite upset to hear about it," she said.

Two of the goats -a 4-year-old neutered male and a 2 1/2 -year-old female - suffered gastrointestinal ailments from eating the magazines and the third, a 1-year-old male, also had to be treated for a swollen right front leg that apparently was hurt when it was held down to be painted, Dallas wrote.

Officers Ernie Iarussi and Justin Fisher responded to the barn on Thursday and arrested the two suspects Friday night.

Although most Boer goats raised in the United States are used for meat, the animals make good pets, said Robert Swize, executive director of the Texas-based American Boer Goat Association.

"Most of the Boer goats are very docile, which is why some people will keep them as pets," he said.

Mahopac man charged in attack on family's goats

Mahopac man charged in attack on family's goats:

MAHOPAC - Gail Fiero said her family was devastated on Thanksgiving morning to find that their three pet goats had been abused: held down and spray painted, then sickened by eating several magazines left behind by their abuser - pornographic magazines at that.

"We feel terrible about it," she said yesterday. "These animals are part of our family and to think that someone intentionally hurt them is horrible. I'm heartsick about this. I can't imagine that someone would have so little regard for life."

Drew A. Gagnon of Mahopac, 37, is due in Carmel Town Court on Monday, charged with third-degree burglary, a felony, plus three misdemeanor counts of animal-cruelty and one of third-degree criminal trespass, police said. A 34-year-old friend police said drove him to the scene faces a misdemeanor criminal-facilitation charge.

Gagnon is accused of breaking into the Fiero barn on Croton Falls Road about 2 a.m. Thursday, spray painting the three goats in their genital area with bright orange paint and leaving the magazines, police said.

"They weren't the nicest magazines," said police Lt. Brian Karst, who said Gagnon may have been involved in some kind of ongoing harassment of the Fiero family.

The Boer goats - two males and a female -got sick after eating the magazines, according to their veterinarian.

In a letter to Carmel police, the vet, Dr. Stacey R. Dallas of Roxbury, Conn., said the animals' health was endangered.

"The goats were spray painted with potentially toxic paint, which, once absorbed into the circulatory system, could have life-threatening effects on the gastrointestinal system, kidneys and nervous system. The noxious fumes inhaled could also have detrimental effects on their respiratory system," Dallas wrote. "The spray paint was applied specifically on the genitalia of the goats making it blatantly obvious that these animals were tortured."

Fiero, 58, said her son, Bryce, 32, owns the goats, and the family was only happy that her two grandchildren were not the ones to discover what happened.

"But they were quite upset to hear about it," she said.

Two of the goats -a 4-year-old neutered male and a 2 1/2 -year-old female - suffered gastrointestinal ailments from eating the magazines and the third, a 1-year-old male, also had to be treated for a swollen right front leg that apparently was hurt when it was held down to be painted, Dallas wrote.

Officers Ernie Iarussi and Justin Fisher responded to the barn on Thursday and arrested the two suspects Friday night.

Although most Boer goats raised in the United States are used for meat, the animals make good pets, said Robert Swize, executive director of the Texas-based American Boer Goat Association.

"Most of the Boer goats are very docile, which is why some people will keep them as pets," he said.

'Pregnant' man fined in court | | The Australian

'Pregnant' man fined in court | | The Australian: "A SOUTH African man was fined by a local court overnight for taking time off from work and trying to cover it with a fake gynaecologist's certificate attesting he was pregnant and needed a week off.

A magistrate's court in Vereeniging, near Johannesburg, fined 27-year-old Charles Sibindana 1000 rand ($180) for the brazen forgery, the SAPA news agency reported.

Sibindana stole a medical certificate from a health centre used by his pregnant girlfriend, but was apparently unaware that only women consulted gynaecologists.

Magistrate Bruno Van Eeden jokingly warned Sibindana 'not to walk around faking sick letters from gynaecologists'."

Nude pictures on stolen phone prompt call from thief

Nude pictures on stolen phone prompt call from thief: "The age of the sophisticated cell phone that doubles as a camera and who knows what else has certainly created some unusual scenarios for law enforcement.

Consider the Carrick woman whose cell phone was stolen Saturday from her car by an unknown man who reached into her front seat through an open window.

That evening the man called her other cell phone with the stolen phone and asked her if 'the pictures on the phone were of her,' according to a report.

Seems the stolen phone featured naked pictures of a woman. The Carrick victim said the pictures were of her girlfriend and, when the caller asked, told him she was a lesbian.

The next day, she accessed her phone account on the Internet and downloaded a recent photo the man had taken with the stolen cell phone. That picture? A penis.

Detectives were investigating."

Buddhist monk cuts off penis and renounces refix - Yahoo! News

Buddhist monk cuts off penis and renounces refix - Yahoo! News: "BANGKOK (Reuters) - A Thai Buddhist monk cut off his penis with a machete because he had an erection during meditation and declined to have it reattached, saying he had renounced all earthly cares, a doctor and a newspaper said on Wednesday.


The 35-year-old monk, whose name was withheld for privacy reasons, allowed medical staff at Maharaj hospital, 780 km (480 miles) south of Bangkok to dress his wound, but refused reattachment, hospital chief Prawing Euanontouch said.

'We cleaned up the wound, gave him some stitches, but he declined to have it reattached because he said had abandoned everything,' Prawing told Reuters by telephone.

Prawing declined to comment on the monk's erection, which Bangkok-based Kom Chad Luk tabloid reported on its Web site."

People's Daily Online -- Creator of China's largest porn website jailed for life

People's Daily Online -- Creator of China's largest porn website jailed for life:

The creator of China's largest pornographic website was sentenced to life imprisonment on Wednesday.

Judges at the Taiyuan Intermediate People's Court handed down the sentence to Chen Hui and ordered the confiscation of 100,000 yuan (12,500 U.S. dollars).

The other eight organizers of the website were jailed for terms ranging from 13 months to ten years.

The nine were convicted of profiting from pornographic dissemination.

Apart from one who is over 50, the average age of the other eight criminals is just 23.

Chen, 28, and his accomplices started the Qingseliuyuetian (pornographic summer) website in 2004 and opened a further three porn websites, attracting more than 600,000 users.

A police source said it was difficult to know the exact illegal profits of the website because most of the money was spent or saved in foreign bank accounts.

The police found about 200,000 yuan (25,000 U.S. dollars) in the Chinese bank accounts of the nine.

A member of the public complained to city police on June 21 last year that a hospital website had changed to become the homepage of a porn website.

Police questioned the administrator of the website, Wang Jianfei, who allegedly admitted he was in charge of the "Qingseliuyuetian" Taiyuan section.

Three months later, police in the provinces of Fujian, Guangdong, Jilin, Liaoning, Anhui and Hubei arrested Chen and other organizers.

All the servers of "China's largest adult community" were based overseas and Chen regularly changed the website's domain name, servers and Internet provider address, the police said.

At first the four websites accepted about 200,000 registered members free of charge, but demanded 199 to 266 yuan (25 to 33 U.S. dollars) in registration fees from people who joined later.

Some paid more for a life membership. According to the police, a "top-level VIP membership" sold at 3,999 yuan (500 U.S. dollars).

Commercial space on the website sold for 1,000 to 3,000 yuan (125 to 375 U.S. dollars) per month.

On Oct. 3 last year, when the website was closed down, the registered members exceeded 600,000 around China.

The website contained more than nine million pornographic images and articles and it had received more than 11 million clicks.

Crayfish enjoy a bit of sub-dom: official | The Register

Crayfish enjoy a bit of sub-dom: official | The Register

Scientists from Georgia State University have rather splendidly discovered that crayfish "act out elaborate rituals of dominance and submission", Reuters reports.

Specifically, Fadi Issa and Donald Edwards found said crustaceans "display... a complex ritual, when two males engaged in pseudocopulatory behaviour to signify their dominance relationship" which was followed by "a reduction in aggression and an increased likelihood of the subordinate's survival".

Indeed, this is not just a bit canine rolling on your back when the top dog's around - it's a matter of life or death for crayfish. The researchers noted that "lower-ranking crayfish that did not go along with another male's overtures were killed, dismembered, and partially eaten".

Issa and Edwards, who monitored sub-dom behaviour among a group of 20 males, said it was "most common when two strange males first met, and appeared to defuse tensions after a few days". They further explained: "These effects are similar to those of copulation between male and female crayfish, and such copulation can also begin with an aggressive encounter and has been seen as an extension of male dominance behaviour. Moreover, if the female refuses the male's attempts to mate, she can be killed."

The scientists concluded by saying "the findings in invertebrates showed such behaviour was common in the animal world and may have evolved more than once over time". This suggests a bit of sub-dom is "useful for survival", they added.

Issa and Edwards' findings are available in the journal Current Biology. We look forward to their forthcoming paper on Promiscuous lesbianism among spider crabs as a mechanism for social harmony. ®

Crayfish enjoy a bit of sub-dom: official | The Register

Crayfish enjoy a bit of sub-dom: official | The Register

Scientists from Georgia State University have rather splendidly discovered that crayfish "act out elaborate rituals of dominance and submission", Reuters reports.

Specifically, Fadi Issa and Donald Edwards found said crustaceans "display... a complex ritual, when two males engaged in pseudocopulatory behaviour to signify their dominance relationship" which was followed by "a reduction in aggression and an increased likelihood of the subordinate's survival".

Indeed, this is not just a bit canine rolling on your back when the top dog's around - it's a matter of life or death for crayfish. The researchers noted that "lower-ranking crayfish that did not go along with another male's overtures were killed, dismembered, and partially eaten".

Issa and Edwards, who monitored sub-dom behaviour among a group of 20 males, said it was "most common when two strange males first met, and appeared to defuse tensions after a few days". They further explained: "These effects are similar to those of copulation between male and female crayfish, and such copulation can also begin with an aggressive encounter and has been seen as an extension of male dominance behaviour. Moreover, if the female refuses the male's attempts to mate, she can be killed."

The scientists concluded by saying "the findings in invertebrates showed such behaviour was common in the animal world and may have evolved more than once over time". This suggests a bit of sub-dom is "useful for survival", they added.

Issa and Edwards' findings are available in the journal Current Biology. We look forward to their forthcoming paper on Promiscuous lesbianism among spider crabs as a mechanism for social harmony. ®

A porn movie about Jesus

bougieman: Set Diary for “The Cumming of Jizzus”---: "Cinema Sewer presents: THE CUMMING OF JIZZUS.

The relatively short 4 hour shoot for the first day of creating this triple X bible story provided some very exciting results. Chelsea Chainsaw directing, myself producing, doing sound (and doing whatever else I could on set to make things go smoothly), and 'The Filthy Swede' and Jelena on Camera -- deftly capturing all the action."

The Sex Preacher

cbs4.com - The Sex Preacher

(CBS4) MIAMI For 15 years, Joe Beam preached the word of God. Now in God's house, he preaches about good, hot Christian sex.

"I get questions about oral sex, pornography, foreplay, everything you can imagine. People ask and I blatantly answer them. Some Christian people are amazed that my answers are what they are because its not what they've been taught all their lives," Beam told CBS4's Joy Purdy.

Beam believes he’s taking Christian sex education to the next level in terms of right, wrong and what the Bible says is allowable or not.

Statistics show that 20% of married couples have sex just 10 times a year or less, and Beam believes that is an indication there is a lot of sexual misery between couples.

The minister left his home church to fill churches nationwide with curious couples, eager to hear what Beam interprets the bible to say about sex, love and marriage.

"Now I want you to see this is in the Bible; I am not making this up,” Beam said in one of his presentations. “If a person is not sexually satisfied they become susceptible to outside temptation."

There are no boundaries for those who attend Beam's seminars. The audience can even secretly write questions for Beam and he in turn, answers them all.

Minister Beam covers many taboo issues in his seminars that many Christians have become accustomed to being ashamed of.

For example, said Beam at one seminar, the Bible actually says nothing about the use of vibrators and in fact, he encouraged the audience to play games with each other, with or without mechanical aids. "There's nothing in the bible that says anything about masturbation," he said.

Even though it may seem as though there are no taboo subjects left, Beam says there are 10 "no-no's."

Incest is prohibited by the Bible, Beam believes, as is homosexuality. Rape, Adultery, and sex with someone other than your mate should not be allowed.

While enjoying sex is permitted, lust is not, as is the act of selling sex for money. The minister believes the Bible prohibits sex between humans and animals, known as bestiality, or sex when a woman is having her menstrual period.

Finally, Beam believes the Bible prohibits the harming of the body for sex.

For many Christians these topics are forbidden but Beam believes that if Christians don't discuss them in church, where else will they turn to get the answers and guidance they need?

"They're not going to listen to Dr. Ruth so all of a sudden along comes a man whose been a minister, who actually has a degree in Bible, and I'm saying, ‘well, yes you really can do this’, and actually showing them book chapter and verse its right here you can do this," said Beam.

Lee Maurer took part in one of Beam’s seminars, and told CBS4, "it's a little intense and a little graphic, but if you can't talk about it in a Christian context, in a biblical context, than the other (seminars) that are available aren't that great for your spiritual growth."

Bianca and Paul Harding, a couple which attended one of Beam's seminars, said they had a lot to learn. "My parents never talked to me about sex, my friends they got it all wrong. I think there might be some vestiges of guilt in some things we do now that has been washed away."

"It's a relief, it really is,” said seminar attendee Richard Grow. “We talk about it in the confines of our home but to hear it in a church with other people, one laughing about it and going yeah, I've had that question, husbands going, and yeah it's refreshing."

Beam prides himself on being open and honest.

"We don't know if a good sex life makes good marriage or good marriage makes good sex life. We can't prove which way it works but we know they go hand in hand. A good marriage and good sex life go hand in hand," he said.

'Mile high' venture takes romance to next level

'Mile high' venture takes romance to next level

With the real estate market down, a Valley mortgage broker has decided to look the other direction for a new business venture - about a mile up.

Jeff Riedel has started a Chandler company to help couples satisfy romantic fantasies in the modified cabin of a twin-engine Cessna 320.

Riedel hasn't quit his day job, but his new venture, Mile High AZ, is "a heck of a lot more fun to talk about than being a Realtor and mortgage broker," he said.
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The plane's rear passenger seats are removed to make way for décor he calls "retro lounge jazz club." The space, in a gray and black motif, includes plush pillows, a mattress, stereo system and bar with champagne. A "thick curtain" separates the couple from the pilot.

The $750 fee buys 90 minutes of cruising at 6,000 feet.

The Web site of the Mile High Club lists 10 U.S. companies and one in Canada that provide similar services. None is in the Valley.

Riedel says he got the idea when he received an e-mail about a similar company in Atlanta. He approached a friend, Richard McPherson, who usually flies his plane for fly-fishing trips and corporate flights.

"The more we looked at it, we thought maybe we could do this," Riedel said.

So far, he's provided only test flights to friends, at his expense, who supplied "testimonials" on the Web site.

"We wanted to do something different that we would never forget," one posting reads. "It was everything we expected and more."

The flights are based out of Chandler Municipal Airport, but customers also can be picked up at Scottsdale or Phoenix Deer Valley airports.

Officer Arrested While Strip-Searching Prostitute

kyw.com - Officer Arrested While Strip-Searching Prostitute

Colleen Bertino laughs a little when she recalls the fates of the two Fantasy Gifts stores her family once owned in Minneapolis.

The downtown Minneapolis shop closed several years ago and reopened in Burnsville.

More recently, a store near the Uptown area of Minneapolis closed and lit out for the cheaper rent and more plentiful parking of Lakeville.

The burbs have been good to the Bertino family, owners of 13 sex-themed stores in Minnesota and New Jersey, most of them in strip malls -- or, in the case of the Coon Rapids store, a former Taco Bell.

The family still owns and operates two stores in St. Paul, but Bertino, the chief operating officer, said the migration over the past decade into Fridley and Coon Rapids, Burnsville and Bloomington, St. Louis Park and Crystal, was a conscious choice.

"I need to be where people live and where you can just pull up, park and walk in," she said. "Why do you think shopping doesn't do well downtown in general?"

The opening of the Lakeville shop 9 miles away from the nearest Fantasy Gifts in Burnsville meant 18 fewer driving miles for her customers in Northfield, she said.

When they opened a store in Burnsville, she said, a woman called and asked, "Do you really have a store in Burnsville?"Yes, we're right here," Bertino said.

"Great," said the woman on the line. "Now I'll never have to cross the river again."

Removing the stigma

Bertino, 41, grew up in Hopkins and in recent years has raised her profile as the public face of Fantasy Gifts, in part with a homespun TV commercial that began airing this summer and features her speaking directly to potential customers about the family store and its intention of being a female-friendly environment.

"I figured, if it works for Dick Enrico and Denny Hecker, it's got to work for me. I mean, hell, I'm better looking than they are," she joked. "It's another lovely thing about being over 40: You sort of grow into the idea that you just can't be embarrassed about stuff anymore."

In addition to the TV commercial, Bertino features herself on the company's website, hosts monthly podcasts about adult toys, and has in the past purchased space in a Minnesota Monthly ad supplement that showed her sitting at home, a cup of coffee in her hand.

Much of the reason for Bertino's increased exposure is her desire to speak directly to women, who she says comprise about 60 percent of her customer base. Home parties -- where groups of people and couples get together to see what's for sale -- are another vehicle for that.

"I know darn well that there is a large group of women who are still wondering what's behind that door," she said. "And ever since I put my face on TV and said, 'I'm not embarrassed to say I own it; you shouldn't be embarrassed to come shopping,' -- they're walking through the door."

An atypical mom-and-pop shop

Bertino runs the business with her brother and sister. It was started more than 25 years ago by her father, Robert, who had been running a general gift store and noticed that his sexier stock sold well. He saw an episode of "The Phil Donahue Show" that was devoted to sex toys and the women in the audience clearly were interested.

Fantasy Gifts was born.

Was it odd growing up in a family where sex accessories were the family business?

Not really, Bertino said, although there have been times when she has been browsing through wholesale catalogues of sex toys with her mother and it has hit her.

"Every now and then I sort of see it from the outside and go: 'This is funny.' But most of the time, it was just business. My parents were never embarrassed; we were never embarrassed."

The company has headquarters in a 15,000-square-foot building in Edina, where every staffer began with the company as a part-time store clerk. The front office has the informal feel of any small family business, with kids playing and spare personal effects stored in the hallways. The back offices, where behind closed doors a warehouse is stocked with adult products and other offices are crammed with explicit DVDs, is a different story.

"Here's the panty room," Bertino said, laughing. "Panties is just a funny word."

But essentially, the business is like any other, she said: Keep the stores neat and clean, keep the stock fresh and updated, and hire a knowledgeable staff.

Asked to play word-association on the idea of sex -- as in, "Sex is ... x" -- Bertino played along and offered "fun,"normal,"healthy" and "biological." But really, she said, maybe one should just remove the ellipses from sentence and leave it as "Sex is."And it sounds funny, but I've probably always thought that."

Adult stores go from city streets to suburban strip malls

Adult stores go from city streets to suburban strip malls

Colleen Bertino laughs a little when she recalls the fates of the two Fantasy Gifts stores her family once owned in Minneapolis.

The downtown Minneapolis shop closed several years ago and reopened in Burnsville.

More recently, a store near the Uptown area of Minneapolis closed and lit out for the cheaper rent and more plentiful parking of Lakeville.

The burbs have been good to the Bertino family, owners of 13 sex-themed stores in Minnesota and New Jersey, most of them in strip malls -- or, in the case of the Coon Rapids store, a former Taco Bell.

The family still owns and operates two stores in St. Paul, but Bertino, the chief operating officer, said the migration over the past decade into Fridley and Coon Rapids, Burnsville and Bloomington, St. Louis Park and Crystal, was a conscious choice.

"I need to be where people live and where you can just pull up, park and walk in," she said. "Why do you think shopping doesn't do well downtown in general?"

The opening of the Lakeville shop 9 miles away from the nearest Fantasy Gifts in Burnsville meant 18 fewer driving miles for her customers in Northfield, she said.

When they opened a store in Burnsville, she said, a woman called and asked, "Do you really have a store in Burnsville?"Yes, we're right here," Bertino said.

"Great," said the woman on the line. "Now I'll never have to cross the river again."

Removing the stigma

Bertino, 41, grew up in Hopkins and in recent years has raised her profile as the public face of Fantasy Gifts, in part with a homespun TV commercial that began airing this summer and features her speaking directly to potential customers about the family store and its intention of being a female-friendly environment.

"I figured, if it works for Dick Enrico and Denny Hecker, it's got to work for me. I mean, hell, I'm better looking than they are," she joked. "It's another lovely thing about being over 40: You sort of grow into the idea that you just can't be embarrassed about stuff anymore."

In addition to the TV commercial, Bertino features herself on the company's website, hosts monthly podcasts about adult toys, and has in the past purchased space in a Minnesota Monthly ad supplement that showed her sitting at home, a cup of coffee in her hand.

Much of the reason for Bertino's increased exposure is her desire to speak directly to women, who she says comprise about 60 percent of her customer base. Home parties -- where groups of people and couples get together to see what's for sale -- are another vehicle for that.

"I know darn well that there is a large group of women who are still wondering what's behind that door," she said. "And ever since I put my face on TV and said, 'I'm not embarrassed to say I own it; you shouldn't be embarrassed to come shopping,' -- they're walking through the door."

An atypical mom-and-pop shop

Bertino runs the business with her brother and sister. It was started more than 25 years ago by her father, Robert, who had been running a general gift store and noticed that his sexier stock sold well. He saw an episode of "The Phil Donahue Show" that was devoted to sex toys and the women in the audience clearly were interested.

Fantasy Gifts was born.

Was it odd growing up in a family where sex accessories were the family business?

Not really, Bertino said, although there have been times when she has been browsing through wholesale catalogues of sex toys with her mother and it has hit her.

"Every now and then I sort of see it from the outside and go: 'This is funny.' But most of the time, it was just business. My parents were never embarrassed; we were never embarrassed."

The company has headquarters in a 15,000-square-foot building in Edina, where every staffer began with the company as a part-time store clerk. The front office has the informal feel of any small family business, with kids playing and spare personal effects stored in the hallways. The back offices, where behind closed doors a warehouse is stocked with adult products and other offices are crammed with explicit DVDs, is a different story.

"Here's the panty room," Bertino said, laughing. "Panties is just a funny word."

But essentially, the business is like any other, she said: Keep the stores neat and clean, keep the stock fresh and updated, and hire a knowledgeable staff.

Asked to play word-association on the idea of sex -- as in, "Sex is ... x" -- Bertino played along and offered "fun,"normal,"healthy" and "biological." But really, she said, maybe one should just remove the ellipses from sentence and leave it as "Sex is."And it sounds funny, but I've probably always thought that."

Dominatrix alleges bizarre sexual encounter with cop

Dominatrix alleges bizarre sexual encounter with cop: "GREENBURGH - In X-rated testimony as graphic as a pornographic film, a dominatrix today described a bizarre sexual encounter in the woods she claims to have had with a town police officer.

'He wanted to go to a motel in the Bronx where I would defecate on him, but I told him I was uncomfortable going to the Bronx,' testified the dominatrix, Gina Pane, 31, buttoned up in an olive-gray suit with her black hair pulled back in a bun. 'I suggested that we go into a woody area. He was very excited.'

The officer, she testified, performed a sexual act after she was finished.

The explicit testimony by Pane marked the start of the criminal trial for police officer Erik Ward, who was arrested in March on a misdemeanor charge of official misconduct. Ward also faces an administrative hearing before the Town Board that could result in his dismissal.

Pane, who has filed papers to sue the Greenburgh police department for $2 million, claimed that she went along with Ward in hopes of getting an earlier marijuana possession charge dismissed.

Ward, who has pleaded not guilty to the charge, looked at his accuser with calm expressions yesterday.

A row of fellow officers and a woman Ward described as his longtime girlfriend sat behind him.

Ward's lawyer said the officer did noth"

Giant Booty at the Wal-Mart

Phwoar! | Video Clips | Stupid Fun | Maxim Magazine UK

Liza Minelli's wife drinks zebra milk

The Sun Online - Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here: Gest: I want pint of zebra milk: "He said: “He was an absolute pain. Anyone would think he was world famous, not his wife. He made a string of bizarre requests. It culminated in him ringing the butler bell and demanding room service bring him a pint of fresh, chilled zebra milk.

“When he was told we only had cow, goat, sheep and soya he threw a screaming fit. He said we should ring London Zoo to see if they had any.”"

Viagra must not be doing it for him, because the stuff is used by impotent men to help them get it up.

All Mormons are Pedophiles

deseretnews.com | Unsavory Web hits vex Utah

There are categories in which Utah ranks No. 1 in the nation, but certain results are not something state officials will be bragging about.
At the 19th annual Child Abuse and Family Violence Conference in Salt Lake City Wednesday, FBI Special Agent Jeff Ross pointed out that according to Google Trends, Salt Lake City is tops in the nation when it comes to Internet searches for words such as "Jesus," "chocolate" and "home recipes."
That may not be surprising. But what is a little more eye-opening is that the city also ranks No. 1 on the site for Internet searches for terms such as "nudity," "naked girls," "pornography" and "strip tease."
Furthermore, Salt Lake is No. 2 in the nation for Google searches of such words as "hot sex" and "naughty."
Ironically, the city also ranks No. 2 for "family values."
In other disturbing rankings, according to Google Trends as related by the FBI, the city is: • Fifth in the nation for searches regarding "incest."
• Seventh for searches on "child pornography."
• Eighth for searches on "sex."
• Tenth for searches on "pedo," short for pedophile. Utah also has more computers per capita than any other state in the country, according to Ross.
What all that data add up to is that the FBI and the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force from the Utah Attorney General's Office are both very, very busy.
The Salt Lake office of the FBI, which also covers Idaho and Montana, is tops in the nation for the number of arrests, indictments and convictions, Ross said.
Ross gave a presentation Wednesday, before a group consisting mostly of law enforcers, about the continuing problem of child pornography in Utah and what parents can do to help combat it.
There are people who collect child pornography the way others might collect baseball cards or comic books, he said. They even file their "kiddie porn" based upon year, age or other more disturbing categories.

All Mormons are Pedophiles

deseretnews.com | Unsavory Web hits vex Utah

There are categories in which Utah ranks No. 1 in the nation, but certain results are not something state officials will be bragging about.
At the 19th annual Child Abuse and Family Violence Conference in Salt Lake City Wednesday, FBI Special Agent Jeff Ross pointed out that according to Google Trends, Salt Lake City is tops in the nation when it comes to Internet searches for words such as "Jesus," "chocolate" and "home recipes."
That may not be surprising. But what is a little more eye-opening is that the city also ranks No. 1 on the site for Internet searches for terms such as "nudity," "naked girls," "pornography" and "strip tease."
Furthermore, Salt Lake is No. 2 in the nation for Google searches of such words as "hot sex" and "naughty."
Ironically, the city also ranks No. 2 for "family values."
In other disturbing rankings, according to Google Trends as related by the FBI, the city is:

• Fifth in the nation for searches regarding "incest."
• Seventh for searches on "child pornography."
• Eighth for searches on "sex."
• Tenth for searches on "pedo," short for pedophile. Utah also has more computers per capita than any other state in the country, according to Ross.
What all that data add up to is that the FBI and the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force from the Utah Attorney General's Office are both very, very busy.
The Salt Lake office of the FBI, which also covers Idaho and Montana, is tops in the nation for the number of arrests, indictments and convictions, Ross said.
Ross gave a presentation Wednesday, before a group consisting mostly of law enforcers, about the continuing problem of child pornography in Utah and what parents can do to help combat it.
There are people who collect child pornography the way others might collect baseball cards or comic books, he said. They even file their "kiddie porn" based upon year, age or other more disturbing categories.

He should have taken it home first

· Duluth News Tribune ·: "Prosecution of a Douglas County case involving alleged sexual contact with a dead deer may hinge on the legal definition of the word “animal.”

Bryan James Hathaway, 20, of Superior faces a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal. He is accused of having sex with a dead deer he saw beside Stinson Avenue on Oct. 11.

A motion filed last week by his attorney, public defender Fredric Anderson, argued that because the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed.
Hathaway
“The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” Anderson wrote.

Judge Michael Lucci heard the motion Tuesday.

“I’m a little surprised this issue hasn’t been tackled before in another case,” Lucci said.

The Webster’s dictionary defines “animal” as “any of a kingdom of living beings,” Anderson said.

If you include carcasses in that definition, he said, “you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.”

Anderson argued: When does a turkey cease to be an animal? When it is dead?"

Renee

ABOUT RENEE: Oooh Renee is such a cute girl, and all ready to show off for the camera! Perky boobies, a perfect ass, and a lovely smile as well :) In her videos she shows us her amazing 2 toy orgasm inducing tricks!

S&M saucepots want the Queen muffled | The Register

S&M saucepots want the Queen muffled | The Register: "A diverse group of sexual adventurers and civil libertarians has joined in condemnation of that part of tomorrow's Queen's speech expected to propose banning 'extreme porn', because the internet has made it too readily available for some people's tastes.

The British government proposes a new offence of possessing extreme pornography under a Criminal Justice Bill. It is proposed that people found possessing porn of a violent nature should be imprisoned for up to three years."

He's My Cherry Pie

My Way News - Inmate Allegedly Urged to Strip for Pie

ADRIAN, Mich. (AP) - Two Lenawee County Jail officers have been fired after authorities say they urged an inmate to strip and run naked around his cellblock in exchange for a piece of cherry pie. "We took decisive action," Sheriff Larry Richardson told The Daily Telegram.

Richardson said firing of the officers - two of the jail's best employees - was recommended by the county's labor attorney. Richardson said he learned of the incident in a letter from another inmate.

The sheriff's department said Sunday that the names of the officers weren't being released.

Union officials have challenged the firings, saying the punishment was too severe. Union local president Deputy Michael Osborne said it's not normal procedure to fire such employees after a single incident.

Richardson said the officers considered it a prank. An investigation found that the male inmate who was urged to strip saw the two officers eating in August in the jail's glass-enclosed control tower and asked for some food.

The conversation turned to joking about what the inmate would do for cherry pie, the investigation found, and the inmate said he was willing to streak. Richardson said the inmate was allowed out of his cell and streaked.

No criminal charges will be brought, the Lenawee County prosecutor's office has ruled. Following that decision the department went ahead with internal disciplinary action, Richardson said.

"We had to be satisfied there was no criminal act," Richardson said.

Launch of Pubic-Hair-Coloring Product Line Scores PR Coup

Advertising Age - Launch of Pubic-Hair-Coloring Product Line Scores PR Coup


CINCINNATI (AdAge.com) -- If you think a brown betty is an apple tart, you may not want to read further.

Betty Beauty's pubic-hair-dying kits are being marketed with names such as Brown Betty, Fun Betty, Blond Betty, Auburn Betty and Black Betty that designate color -- Fun Betty is hot pink. ALSO: Comment on this article in the 'Your Opinion' box below.

Media buzz
That's not the meaning ascribed by Betty Beauty, a New York startup that is getting big PR play by marketing hair color for the nether regions. Billed as "color for the hair down there," the company began really building buzz this summer with a brief appearance on the "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" and mentions in magazines such as Vogue, W and People Style Watch.

Distribution so far is only in about 300 salons and beauty stores and via the website Bettybeauty.com. But helped along with a publicity push from LaForce & Stevens, New York, traffic to Bettybeauty.com, as measured by Alexa.com, was on pace last week for 2 million visits annually, running well ahead of Procter & Gamble Co.'s Clairol.com and climbing toward that of L'Oreal's website.

Single ad
That's despite the fact that founder Nancy Jarecki's first, and to date only, advertising expenditure was a $1,995 full-page ad in the official publication of the Cosmoprof beauty trade show in Las Vegas in July. By the time she registered for the show, the ad had already created enough buzz that several people around the table were asking her about it. The ad also helped draw the "Leno" team, which was taping a segment at the show. "It was just banter," she said, along the lines of "It's Betty -- color for the hair down there."

But it was enough to draw thousands of visits from people who did online searches even before her site was taking orders, Ms. Jarecki said. Mentions in magazines, on drive-time radio and on the website DailyCandy.com followed this summer and fall.

The whole thing started with Ms. Jarecki's visits to a hair salon in Rome, where she was living three years ago. She noticed as women left the salon, the colorist would discreetly slip them little brown bags. "They would receive it with such delight, kiss kiss, and away they would go," she said.

Curious, she asked the receptionist what the women were getting in those little bags and was told, in Italian, "to match down there."

"I thought, 'Of course, who wouldn't want to be a true blonde?"' Ms. Jarecki said.

Safety concerns
And so began research and development. Ms. Jarecki and a couple of female college students she hired called on women in salons and waxing parlors. "It came back that a lot of people would be interested in doing this," she said, but safety concerns prevented them.

She also asked a gynecologist to track patients for a month (anonymously, of course). He had never paid much attention before in 25 years of practice, but he told Ms. Jarecki that "not one person matches." A few blondes who had tried did so poorly, he told her.

So she worked with a chemist and toxicologist to develop a gentle, no-drip formulation and specialty application tools. Ms. Jarecki then wanted a brand personality she describes as a cross between Doris Day and porn star Traci Lords. The term "betty" came to mind as a term guys in college had applied to attractive women.

"People have always wanted a name to call their betty," she said. "And I've been able to describe this product without having to say all the many types of ways to describe your betty."

Euphemism
And so, another euphemism for the female anatomy is born. In five colors -- Brown Betty, Blonde Betty, Auburn Betty, Black Betty and Fun Betty (hot pink) -- priced at $20 a box. Bettybeauty.com also sells T-shirts that ask: "Is your betty ready?"

"Men can be betties, too," Ms. Jarecki said, as some are buying Betty products. She knows because response rates for web questionnaires have been high. They also show surprising interest from women ages 60 to 85.

Beyond Betty, below the belt has become fertile ground for personal-care marketers lately. Philips Norelco caused a viral sensation with its Bodygroom and its website Shaveeverywhere.com, replete with influencer marketing via Howard Stern and a promise to add an optical inch to male anatomy.

Unilever's Sunsilk is running magazine ads from WPP Group's JWT, New York, for its De-Frizz products in which a curly-haired woman complains, "My hair's so frizzy I should give it a Brazilian."

But sales in the $1 billion mass-hair-color category were up only 0.7% in the 52 weeks ended Oct. 8, according to Information Resources Inc., with the main gainers being Revlon's value brand and Combe's Just for Men. Betty may be just what the market needs.

Evangelical Haggard Claims He Was Molested By Republican Congressman |

Evangelical Haggard Claims He Was Molested By Republican Congressman | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Evangelical leader Ted Haggard, who stepped down last week after confessing that he purchased methamphetamines and various services from a male prostitute, revealed Wednesday that he was repeatedly molested by an unnamed Republican congressman in the late 1990s. 'We would communicate on the Internet and then meet in his Washington office to, I thought, discuss faith-based initiatives,' said Haggard in a tearful admission in which he asked for the forgiveness of God and his congregation. 'Before long, he had progressed from praying alongside me to having me sit on his lap at his desk, and then to touching me in my bathing-suit area. I trusted the congressman, and he violated that trust.' Authorities have not acted on Haggard's allegations, saying that Republicans are often accused of wrongdoings simply because so many of them lead secret gay or criminal lifestyles."

The Girls I Have Dated

best of craigslist : The Girls I Have Dated: Mindy - You were my first and you said I was yours(?). It was thrilling probably because it was new. Truth be told, I was in such a rush. I just wanted to do it with somebody. I never would date you today. You are smart, but very needy. I don't know why I still stay in touch with you.

Claire Bear - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.

Mrs. Hahn - I don't even know your first name. But I don't feel badly because I don't think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year's Eve party, you were so drunk. Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down by the waterfront with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn't recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You're screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don't. Guess I've changed a lot since I was 17.

Beth - My first slut. How many guys in the dorm did you do? Don't get me wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy - you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great BJs.

Judith - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought that's the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could lose some weight, but it wouldn't really matter because you would still be ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don't think you did.

Kim - My fellow lab intern. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a Seinfeld episode - I didn't know your name. Yeah, you told me that afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next morning in the lab. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to betray some boyfriend. I didn't really care.

Anabelle - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I've ever met. Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don't think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it's OK to move while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn't want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I'd run out of the room. I dunno, maybe I would have. You're academically very smart, now apply those brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.

Jackie - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were brilliant, yet flunking out of Grad School. You were a lesbian sleeping with a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later found out that you were teaching the whole dorm everything. Great sex, but such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right: "I thought you might come over." Can you tell me how many times I ate your pussy after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?

Carla - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing Jackie was in the room next door? Why did you let me finger you under the table knowing she was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these years later, I looked you up on the interent and found you live with your mother. Time's ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the sex was terrible!

Kessie - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And you came along and believed in me. You were a virgin. You were the Valedictorian. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was "psycho bitch". I'm so sorry Kessie that you got to see all that family stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me because you'll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone. Thank you.

Abby - You were Kessie's best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why would you constantly come over and tell Kessie all the sordid details about how you were cheating on your husband - all the details except the part where you were doing all this cheating with me, Kessie's fiancee. You're as twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone, Kessie would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day. But she didn't know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn't have come up with a more ingenious plot twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.

Kira - You were a receptionist from Queens that I picked up at McSorelys. I was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really consider choosing better sex partners.

Paula - I'm just not ready to say anything here. I'll give this one sentence and then move on. You are my s****r and that should never have happened.

Rebecca - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Harvard and become a bigshot CEO. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!

Toni - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Hampton's rule book says you must wait until after Labor Day. So the day after Labor Day I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer - except that after I dropped you off each night and you'd give me that ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger, "No, no no. Not until after Labor Day", I'd go over and fuck Rebecca's brains out. I'll bet you're now married, living on Park Avenue and your husband hates you. Never want to see you again. "No, no, no. Not until after I'm dead!"

? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after Labor Day - after everyone else had ended their season and gone back to New York City, I see you hanging around outside that Hampton's bar at closing time, sitting on the fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride, but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about $5 at 7-11 to buy some beers and fucked you doggie style because I didn't want to see your face. You were in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name. After I gave you a ride home, I went over the bridge and drove down Dune Road for maybe a mile. The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn't want to go back to the beach house. I didn't want to go back to New York City. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn't - I haven't cried since 3rd grade when my mother drove away. So no I didn't cry. But I sat there until the sun came up.

Suzie - After that crazy Hampton's summer, I really began to hate myself. So I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I met you on a elevator. That must have been fate. Think of how difficult it is to make a connection on a 30 second elevator ride. But somehow it happened. You were a wonderful person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically soft. I just wasn't ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.

Ellen #1 - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your tits sagged. Sex was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is "Suck my dick" - but you took it too literally. Don't just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound. Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can't believe I waited two years for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should never have fucked Ashley, because it re-opened the flood gates and you washed in.

Ellen #2 - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not attractive, they do not want you in their clique. You mother obviously drank when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You went to an Ivy League College, but you'd suck your doorman if he got you into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That time in the sand dunes when we fucked and that total stranger came up to watch and you started jerking him off. And that time in front of your sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more than anyone else.

Hanna - You were the most boring girl I've ever endured. Who goes shopping for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying, "There, there. That's OK. Accidents happen." News flash, I came on your face to degrade you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee. You're boring and you're an idiot!

Ina - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Turkey. But you were really just a bitchy Staten Island girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it. It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver's license. And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn't. I'm not surprised you are still single. Go back to Turkey and suffocate your own kind.

Chelsea - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did - just after I disrupted the Earth's magnetic field. Flake.

Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the '60s and stayed there. And what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.

Meagan - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some things you shouldn't do: Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don't take a leak in a subway car. Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only imagine that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something kind about you. You loved it in the ass, "Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me deep and make it hurt!" You were at least good for something.

Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.

Wendy - Picked you up on an Amtrak train. You were dull, but I went along on the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don't hold it by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.

Carol - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn't take you to my place. You had roommates who knew my live-in girlfriend, so we couldn't go to your place. So I took the spare key to my girlfriend's father's apartment because I knew he only used it a few times a month. DAMN! That was so embarrassing - to find his potential son-in-law in HIS bed with a woman who wasn't his daughter. I'm sorry about that. You seemed nice, but after that incident I just had to hide from everyone.

Tessa - You were on the cruise ship because you were afraid to take the plane to Europe. You took me to your cabin, but you were afraid of catching a disease, so we watched each other jerk off. That was hot. Too bad we never met up again. My guess was that you were afraid of too many things in life. But still, I loved that jerk off thing and have done it many times since. A lot of girls get into it. Thanks.

Vivian - I met you at that party and we fucked later that night. And I got the definite sense you were using me to get back at some boyfriend. Don't do that. That kind of behavior is reserved for pricks like me.

Dr. Lara - You are a doctor. And on the first date, you asked me to fuck you in the ass. Didn't you learn anything in Med School about Safe Sex? Other than the ass part, you were dull. You kinda reminded we of someone who went to Band Camp. And what's with the beret. You look like some 1970s graduate of the Lycee Francaise. You are such a dork.

Holly - You were great. Smart. Good looking. Such a part of Grand New York, with your cocktail parties and benefit dinners. Remember that time you introduced me to your friend Anna? I talked to her for hours, exchanging stories. As she was leaving, I told her she should be a writer. She laughed. Later that night you told me her full name - Anna Quindlen. OK, I'm a jerk. I'm not sure why it didn't work out with you. Maybe your family was too rich. People might have called me a gold digger. So I walked away.

Irene - I lied to you. I just wanted to get into your pants and fuck you. And as soon as I did, I dumped you and made you cry. I didn't really care. But I've always wondered though, why did you insist that we fuck in your roommate's bed? Why did you insist I use your roommate's vibrator on you? I think you're a closet lesbian.

Nancy - You are a sexual weirdo. You take me home. I suck on your pussy til you come. Then you ask me to leave. Next date, same thing. So I asked our mutual friend, your ex. He said you did the same thing with him. I mentioned to our other friend in Seattle, same thing. You have some sexual baggage going on there, don't you. But no matter, I didn't really like you. I just wanted to see your pussy so I could talk to my friends about you.

Uma - Skinny as can be, red pussy hair and enormous tits. I still have that vision of you on all fours with me banging you from behind - your tits swaying, the size of bowling balls. I jerk off to you sometimes. Too bad you were a bitch.

Rosemary - You are that typical fat girl who over compensates by trying to be too social. And to be 33 and still a virgin. That is fucked up. Thanks for the BJ, but I just couldn't be the one to pop your cherry. I heard that you lost the weight. That was good. Then I heard you died of cancer. That was bad. Sorry.

Olivia - You were Rosemary all over again. Why do fat girls date me and then when I dump them, they lose 50 lbs and try to turn their lives around. I should market myself as a diet plan. But I loved the way you swallowed my cum. You really knew how to play with it.

Sue - You were old, I was drunk. I should have just masturbated that night. But my mother was in the hospital and I didn't want to be alone. I never think about you.

Theresa - You were so sexy hot. We went on a hike and you took your shirt off. And when we passed other hikers, you just smiled and said hello. So hot. Sorry I came inside you. I know that freaked you out.

Ruthie - I think that car accident when you were 22 gave you brain damage. You were a math major in college, but 10 years later you couldn't finish a fucking sentence: "I can. I can finish a - hey, is it rain- I'm sleepy." I dunno, you were like a character from a Simpsons episode, saying off-the-wall things all the time, but not realizing how ridiculous they sounded to the rest of us. "Starsky and Hutch, that's a kind of ice cream isn't it?" And sex with you was like something from a bad tv sitcom. I'm banging your pussy. I'm staring at your beautiful face. I'm about to come, when you look deep into my eyes and say, "You know, tomorrow, I think I'll wear that green dress with the brown belt." Externally you were beautiful. Internally, I think your brain had turned to apple sauce.

Isabelle - Ug. You are not in my masturbation fantasies. You are not in anyone's masturbation fantasies. I thought I'd feel guilty about being your first. I knew when I popped you that I'd never see you again. But in the end, I didn't care. Maybe you should get a tattoo or something. Anything that might give you the sex appeal you so desperately need.

Ilyssa - I'm not sure what to say. I certainly can't get mad at you. It was all my doing. You worked in the cafeteria in my office building. You had a strangely deformed face. Your chin was too long. Your cheekbones weren't symmetrical. And you were overweight. I saw you leaving the building that day. I shouldn't even have been there, but I didn't want to go to the hospital and I didn't want to go to the office. I took you home and we fucked.

You know what I remember most about you? It wasn't your twisted face. It wasn't your sickeningly artificial childish mind set - "So I said to him I said, first of all, like ...whatever!" What I remember about you most was the disturbing image of removing you pants and seeing the inches of curly black pubic hair poking out in all directions from your hole-ridden panties. I'm guessing you didn't have any visitors down there for a while and certainly weren't expecting anyone that day.

Maybe when you were 16, you kept yourself well groomed, thinking you might meet a nice man and have a relationship. But as the years went by and nobody called, you let yourself go. And here you were at 35 years old. Deformed and alone. Ug, you were so grotesque that I should have run away. But that was it wasn't it? You were so grotesque I couldn't stop looking. You were my goal - the most vile looking woman ever splayed out before me in all of your naked glory. Wanting me. Needing me.

God, you remined me of all women. Like how could she fucking do that? I mean what mothe