YouTube - suicidegirl vs. hall and oates

YouTube - suicidegirl vs. hall and oates

Hot Tub Sex Legal in Chicago

CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Metro & Tri-State :: Hot tub sex indecent? No way, says judge: "The hot tub sex case evaporated Thursday with a not-guilty verdict.

Will County Judge Marilee Viola ruled that a man and woman who were naked in a hot tub last November were probably having sex, but there was no evidence the two thought anyone could see what they were doing.

Viola found Cook County Sheriff's Police Lt. Kelly Mrozek, 38, who owned the Lockport duplex with the hot tub, and Mark T. Sumner, 22, of Orland Park, not guilty of public indecency."

'V' NOVELIST'S XXX MOVIE KIN

'V' NOVELIST'S XXX MOVIE KIN - New York Post Online Edition: Seven: "September 28, 2006 -- THOMAS Pynchon, the legendarily reclusive author of such celebrated novels as 'V,' 'Gravity's Rainbow' and 'The Crying of Lot 49,' has a XXX-rated skeleton in the family closet - his brainy niece stars in and directs hard-core porn flicks.

Village Voice sex columnist Tristan Taormino, who had a privileged upbringing on Long Island and graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Wesleyan University, went on to star in 'The Ultimate Guide to Anal' Vols. 1 and 2, and then directed 'House of A - - .' This week, the dark-haired beauty is set to release her first Vivid Video effort, 'Chemistry,' in which seven porn stars are 'left to their own devices for two days and told nothing is off limits' and use 'perv cams' to film each other performing sex acts.

Few know that Pynchon is the brother of Taormino's mom. For years, Taormino has tried to get him involved in - or even just acknowledge - her carnally charged career. But the interview-averse author, who lives in seclusion on Long Island and refuses to be photographed, has refused.

But Taormino is giving it one more shot. She wants Pynchon to show up for the party for her new film at 49 Grove next Thursday, and is inviting him to take part in her next movie - although not as a performer.

"

Sex Store Workers in Bondage

Kinky robbery: Sex store workers handcuffed | ajc.com: "Three gunmen held up Starship Enterprises Adult Video at 4872 Memorial Drive in Stone Mountain early Wednesday morning. They took $230 in cash and escaped on foot after restraining two employees with leg irons and fur handcuffs sold in the sex paraphernalia store.

According to a police incident report, three masked men, wearing white T-shirts and jeans, entered the store after midnight. The gunmen began 'yelling verbal commands' at Adell Sharp, 20, who was working the front register, and Lydon Blackman, 41, who was in the back of the store sweeping up.

One robber ordered Sharp to get on the floor while he emptied the cash register.

A second robber ordered Sharp and Blackman into the back room where he handcuffed Blackman with a 'pair of silver leg irons from the store' to a sink. The gunman bound Sharp with a pair of black fur handcuffs, according to the report.

No one was injured in the robbery, which was captured on a video, according to the police report. The gunmen, who ran away, also stole several portable scales from the store, valued at about $700."

Ron Jeremy and Mickey?

Orlando Sentinel - Ron Jeremy and Mickey? by: "Here's a little fact Disney doesn't want you to know: Ron Jeremy, star of such adult masterpieces as Wanda Whips Wall Street, Carnal Cuties and Sex Fifth Avenue once acted in the 1996 Disney children's television series Bone Chillers. In his recent book, Jeremy admits to working on the show, where he played a monster named Blister Face. According to IMDB, producers disguised him so much he couldn't be recognized, thus avoiding the wrath of pro-family studio executives that they were paying a porn star.

That sound you hear is Walt rolling over in his grave."

Cowgirls with guns

Ass Orgy

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Licensed to Thrill: "The photo hasn't been manipulated, nor is the license plate shown a personalized one (deliberately chosen for its naughtiness or otherwise) — the tag is a random, regular-issue plate assigned to a Lincoln LS automobile registered to a Miami-based computer company. And thanks to the Internet, it's now one of the most recognizable license plates in the U.S.

An orgasm coach on TV and a film about sex toys - if that's progress I'm Queen Victoria | the Daily Mail

An orgasm coach on TV and a film about sex toys - if that's progress I'm Queen Victoria | the Daily Mail: "Channel 4, scraping the bottom of its favourite barrel in an effort to titillate its jaded viewers, has come up with a wheeze that makes the rest of reality television look like high culture.

It is preparing to screen a programme called Masturbation For Girls that features — I kid you not — an 'orgasm coach' who teaches three ladies all her tricks, which they will demonstrate, live, to camera.

Should you seek to escape for a night out at the pictures instead, you may find you fare little better. The eagerly anticipated high point of the up-coming London Film Festival is Shortbus, a movie that has astounded many by getting a standard 18 certificate in the first place, and which has as its central character a female sex therapist who is in pursuit of achieving climax for herself.

Perhaps she has never heard of the Rampant Rabbit — although if she hasn't, she soon will; this shocking-pink plastic contraption is also to make its film debut this week.

For the uninitiated, the RR is a vibrator that lays claim to being 'the world's favourite sex toy' following a starring role in TV's Sex And The City.

And now we have Rabbit Fever, a film which is devoted entirely to the"

Wal-Mart Foot Licker on the Loose in GA

Macon Telegraph | 09/20/2006 | Police investigate 'bizarre' foot licking at Wal-Mart

PERRY - Police are investigating a "bizarre" incident in which a man claiming he was performing a religious ritual kissed a woman's feet Monday afternoon at the Perry Wal-Mart.

Perry police Capt. Heath Dykes gave the following account of the encounter:

About 5 p.m. in Wal-Mart at 1109 St. Patrick's Drive, an 80-year-old female shopper stumbled upon a man sitting in the floor of an aisle stocked with curtains.

The woman apologized for stepping on the man's fingers. The man told her he was participating in a religious ritual and asked for her help.

The woman, now alarmed, complied with the man's instructions to stand on his hands and then spit. The man began to lick the woman's feet.

Jesse James, a loss prevention officer for Wal-mart, walked up on the strange scene and recognized the man from a photo from the Americus Wal-Mart, warning about a similar incident there.

James confronted the unidentified man, who repeated that he was performing a religious ritual and then fled.

"It's crazy ... really bizarre," Dykes said.

The woman was not harmed but "was really embarrassed," the officer said.

Perry police suspect the same man is responsible for the similar incidents at the Wal-Mart in Americus, Dykes said.

"It was so bizarre that ... we're ... trying to find what code section applies," Dykes said. "We've entitled it public indecency at this time but we haven't had a chance to do the research on whether it would fall under any criminal act. It's definitely bizarre."

The Americus police investigator looking into the earlier incident could not be reached immediately for comment.

Store managers on duty at Perry and Americus declined to comment.

Sharon Weber, a Wal-mart spokeswoman, said the retail chain's policy is not to comment on a case that police are investigating.

Angelica Bridges

I like redheads.
From The Bastardly.

big boobs Ashley

recordonline.com - Central Valley teacher gives x-rated handout

recordonline.com - Central Valley teacher gives x-rated handout: "Central Valley — 'E' is for embarrassed — like the teacher who inadvertently used a kinky alphabet in a handout to parents.

'C' is for the calls alerting school officials to the sexy script. And 'A' is for the apology that followed.

A veteran teacher used the font — depicting quasi-anatomically correct male and female stick figures contorting into letters of the alphabet — on the cover sheet of a spelling curriculum given to parents at a Pine Tree Elementary open house last week.

Think Kama Sutra meets Sesame Street.

But at first glance, it's difficult to make out the salaciousness of the type font.

Sources said the teacher had no idea the alphabet was offensive when she downloaded the font from the Internet. It's unclear if any disciplinary action has been or will be taken against the teacher, who sources said has been with the district for many years.

'I definitely believe it was a mistake,' said Kelly Stegmann, Pine Tree Parent Teacher Association president. Stegmann said she received very few calls from parents about it.

The design is so subtle that even school officials missed it. And many parents didn't know what they were looking at until they received a letter of apology Friday from Pine Tree principal Jean Maxson.

'T"

Amanda

amanda at totalsupercuties.com

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Wal-Mart Supports Gays

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Wal-Mart Supports Gays: "Wal-Mart asks for, and receives, permission to join homosexual marriage group

Read 'Wal-Mart Partners With Gay and Lesbian Group'

Wal-Mart, the largest retailer in the world, has asked for and received permission to join the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. The NGLCC is a leading promoter of homosexual marriage.

Although Wal-Mart has never excluded homosexuals from being employees, customers, or suppliers, the company wanted to be more closely identified with promoting the homosexual agenda. Wal-Mart is now a 'corporate member' of the NGLCC, putting their approval on the NGLCC's efforts to abolish the definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman. A Wal-Mart vice president will serve as an advisor to the NGLCC, helping them promote homosexual marriage. "

Borat is my new hero

Sacha Baron Cohen has pissed off people so much that President Bush has to apologize for him.

President Bush To Placate Kazakhstan's Leader Over 'Borat' Outrage - Starpulse News Blog: "British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's comic creation Borat Sagdiyev has caused so much outrage in Kazakhstan with his new movie, President George W. Bush will address the issue when he meets the Kazakh leader. Bush is set to hold talks with Nursultan Nazarbayev over oil supply - and disgusted Kazakhs have demanded action over Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan.

Foreign Ministry spokesperson Roman Vassilenko says, 'We have made it clear that we are unhappy with the character's representation. He does not represent the true people of Kazakhstan.'"

President Bush responded, "Now wait a minute here, ain't this guy really a not from Kazakhi kinda guy? Ain't he really some Jewish guy from England? I don't know, he might be one a them gayboys, too. I don't see what that has to do with me, do you? I got no control over what English Jews do."

Navy chaplain quits over porn at sea

Navy chaplain quits over porn at sea - Britain - Times Online: "A TRAINEE chaplain left the Royal Navy after being told to turn a blind eye to pornography on board two warships, an employment tribunal heard.

The Rev Mark Sharpe, 37, who is married, was so horrified at the amount of pornography below decks that he quit his training months into the job. He is suing the Ministry of Defence, claiming that he has been the victim of sexual harassment and discrimination on the ground of his beliefs.

Mr Sharpe, from Tenbury, Worcestershire, was a policeman for more than ten years before becoming a priest. He worked as a curate in York before joining the Navy as a trainee chaplain two years ago.

His grievance has already been investigated internally up to the highest level, with an appeal to the Admiralty Board.

Mr Sharpe told the tribunal in Exeter, Devon, that after he asked to leave the ship he was advised not to raise the issue if he valued his career in the Navy. He claimed that the Rev Peter Scott, a senior navy chaplain, and a commodore told him not to pursue his concerns.

The hearing continues."

Starbuck's Boobies

And, no, it's not the chick from Battlestar Galatica.


Logos then and now
In honor of its 35th anniversary, Starbucks' replaced its current mermaid logo with the original, top.
Starbucks' trip down memory lane to bring back its original mermaid logo on its cups has brewed up some controversy.


A Kent elementary school principal, according to a local TV station, asked teachers last week that if they were bringing their daily joe to school that they make sure they get a sleeve to cover the image of a topless mermaid on Starbucks cups.

The Seattle-based coffee giant, as part of its 35th anniversary, this month put its original logo with the bare-breasted mermaid on its cups in stores in Washington and Oregon.

Valerie O'Neil, a Starbucks spokeswoman, said that other than the flare-up in Kent, it's been pretty quiet regarding the mermaid.

"Customers like to see the old logo," she said. "It's all about perspective."

Even though Starbucks is a twin-tailed mermaid, or siren as she's known in Greek mythology, the company actually got its moniker from the first mate's name in the classic novel "Moby Dick."

Amateur Porn Festival

Sex and the city ... of Seattle: "It may seem strange that in a city where you can't get a lap dance, can't smoke in a bar and can't buy high-octane beer downtown (as of Nov. 1), you can watch a whole bunch of amateur porn and not feel like a total pervert.

At least, you can this weekend.


Today, Seattle's second annual 'Hump!' festival continues with a series of homemade videos featuring the non-siliconed, not-so-slender and less-than-buffed having a lot of sex.

The appetite for the two-day event -- which doubles as a judging contest of the movies -- has been insatiable.

Initially, The Stranger, the cheeky alternative weekly that organized the contest, announced five screenings. Every show was sold out by the next day. The 8 p.m. shows sold out within 45 minutes.

The paper added more screenings and encountered the same voracious demand. Slowpokes without tickets wailed on the paper's blog for more shows. Porn fans scoured craigslist, where tickets were going for nearly twice the price.

In total, the paper received about 40 movies and sold more than 1,400 tickets -- most at $20 a pop -- for 14 shows, said Stranger editor Da"

11 year old born with HIV had group sex

The oldest man charged with participating in the gang rape of an 11-year-old girl last week said Sunday night she was a stranger to him before the incident, "looked like she was 19 or 20" and was videotaped having sex with several people.


Freeman Gurley, 40, is the oldest man charged with participating in the gang rape of an 11-year-old girl last week.


"She looked grown to me, man," said Freeman Gurley via telephone from the Milwaukee County Jail. He said he's sorry he got involved and didn't do anything to stop what was going on in his house.

Gurley, 40, faces a felony count of first-degree sexual assault of a minor and contacted the Journal Sentinel to describe the incident in detail. His identity was confirmed by an inmate known to a reporter, and Gurley gave details of the incident that have only been described in court records, including his date of birth.

He said that prosecutors' account of the assault in criminal charges filed last week is correct and that there were several other adults present during the rape. Officials have said as many as 19 might have participated. So far, one 18-year-old man, a 16-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy have been charged, in addition to Gurley.
Arrived home around 9 p.m.

Gurley said he got home from his job as a butcher at about 9 p.m. Sept. 4, used some cocaine, put the rest of his chicken dinner in the refrigerator and began drinking Milwaukee's Best beer. He went to a locked bedroom in his house in the 3700 block of N. 6th St. where he heard "moaning" from inside and eventually was let into the room, where he saw "12, 13 or 14" other men and teens present. He said the girl was freely having sex with several men during the hour he was present, but another man in the room had told her not to have sex with Gurley. She eventually acquiesced, he said, at someone else's urging. The criminal complaint says that person was the 15-year-old boy who is charged.

"I thought she was a boy's girlfriend," he said.

He said that he never spoke with the girl and that he didn't think about using a condom. The police officer who arrested Gurley broke the news that the girl was 11, and he later learned the girl had been born with HIV.

Gurley said he has resigned himself to believing he now has HIV and that he's sorry about participating - and allowing the incident to go on - now that he knows her age.

"That's terrible, man," he said.

According to court records, the girl told police she went to Gurley's house to visit the 16-year-old girl now charged in the case. That older girl suggested the victim perform sex acts with several boys in the house, the victim told police, and she did so, sometimes with more than one person at a time. Some records suggest the older girl directed the victim; the 16-year-old denied such a role.

Police looking for the 11-year-old, who had been reported missing Labor Day, found her at the home Tuesday and learned of the assaults.

Shay Laren

Hi!

I'm Shay Laren, Twistys Treat of the Month for September. Although some of you may recognize me as a former Penthouse Pet, this is my first time working with Twistys. I can't tell you how excited and happy I am that my Twistys debut will occur as Treat of the Month. Lots of girls have to wait a long time before they receive such an honor, but here I am, being selected as Treat right off the bat! It's incredible!

My friend and Treat of the Month for July, Crystal Klein, was the one who got me started modeling. She told me that I'd be perfect as a model and that the job would be perfect for me. Well, she was right! I immediately fell in love with it. Not only is it great to be able to set my own hours, but I leave work for the day feeling sexy and really good about myself.

As much as I enjoy modeling, I would love to someday find work as an actress. I love watching movies - it's probably my favorite pastime. I like getting lost in a story and shutting out the real world for a short time. But for now, I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I'm really enjoying modeling and living in Maui, America's own little corner of paradise!

I'm a pretty down-to earth girl. I like classic rock, watching sports and steak and potatoes. The most important quality I look for in both friends and lovers is honesty and sincerity. It's definitely more important to me than having lots of money or being good-looking. I guess you could say that I'm more into substance than style. But, at heart I'm still a southern belle, so let me get dressed up for a night on the town, and I'm pretty happy!

Before I go and let you enjoy my photo sets and videos, I'd like to thank Twistys for this fantastic opportunity! They're a great bunch of people. And to each and every one of my fans, a big hug and a kiss for all your love and support.

Love, Shay xoxoxo

Naked Coach at Drive-thru

Nude stop at drive-thru earns coach suspension

A burger joint drive-thru worker called police after Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen allegedly pulled his SUV up to the window and placed an order in the nude.

The worker, who took down Cullen's license plate number, told Dearborn officers after the late-night incident on Aug. 24 that "the suspect did nothing obscene, other than being naked at the drive-thru."

Cullen, a first-year defensive line coach, was arrested and charged with indecent and obscene conduct in the incident. On Sept. 1, a little more than a week later, he was arrested again and charged with drunken driving, also in Dearborn.

On Thursday, the Lions suspended Cullen for Sunday's season opener against the Seattle Seahawks, the Free Press has learned. Cullen, however, is expected to continue to coach the defensive line during practices.

Police reports obtained by the Free Press and an interview with a Wendy's shift manager shed light on the unusual events that have turned an obscure 38-year-old assistant football coach into the talk of the Detroit sports scene. But many questions remain unanswered, such as why Cullen was driving nude, does he have a drinking problem, will he face additional discipline by the team or the NFL, how is he receiving unspecified treatment while still doing a high-stress job, and did the team do a thorough background check.

Cullen has not told his side of the story. He declined comment after Wednesday's Lions practice, when the Free Press first broke the story, and was unavailable after Thursday's.

The Wendy's manager, Jethro Lett, said he was working the second drive-thru window on Michigan Avenue near Telegraph when he heard startling news from the first window, where customers pay for their food.

"The cashier alerted me," said Lett, 48. " 'A guy coming to your window is naked!' "

Lett, whose job was to deliver food to drivers from the second window, said, "I was trying to be professional." But the man in the blue SUV was clearly in the raw as he pulled up.

Because it was late -- court records said the incident happened at about 11:15 p.m. -- Lett asked the man to pull over to wait for his food to cook. He recalled the order as a single combo: burger, fries and a drink.

Five minutes later, Lett brought the order out to the parked SUV. "He didn't say a word," Lett said. "I said, 'Here you go with your food, sir.' "

Cullen, who was fired from the University of Mississippi in March 2005 after being arrested for public drunkenness in a restaurant, has sought help and is getting "treatment," Lions officials said. He apologized in a statement Wednesday.

Shower Gel Cam

A student who secretly filmed women in the shared bathroom at his university halls of residence in Bangor, Gwynedd, has been given a suspended sentence.

Judge Merfyn Hughes told Charles Greaves, 19, of Wellington, Shropshire, he had harmed the three victims and brought great shame on his family.

Greaves had admitted six voyeurism charges after he hid a digital camera inside an adapted shower gel bottle.

He was sentenced to nine months' youth custody, suspended for two years.

He will also be under supervision for 12 months and must register as a sex offender for 10 years.

Greaves's parents wept as the sentence was delivered while the defendant breathed a sigh of relief.

The adapted shower gel bottle included a hole for the camera lens

At Caernarfon Crown Court, Judge Merfyn Hughes told him: "The serious aspect of your behaviour is that it involves a breach of trust which students of mixed gender place in each other when sharing accommodation of this kind.

"The psychological impact on the victims, the shock and distress will be significant."

The judge added: "Not only have you harmed these three girls who you filmed, but you have damaged your own academic prospects and brought great shame on your family.

'Overweight loner'

"I agree there's a degree of naivety and immaturity in your character."

Last month, magistrates heard that Greaves had tried to set up the filming in the bathroom of the mixed Emrys Evans hall.

The shower gel bottle had been specially adapted to hold the camera, and pierced to create a hole for the lens, the court was told.

But the former student, who was described as an "overweight loner", had failed to get good quality images and had put a sign on the bathroom door asking all students to take baths instead.

The court heard police were called after the camera was spotted by a female student when she was running a bath.

They arrested Greaves and recovered his laptop with images of three women.

Police Cheif's Wife is Porno Queen

SNYDER, Okla. -- An Oklahoma police chief's job is in jeopardy and his town is in an uproar because of his wife's profession.

Snyder Police Chief Tod Ozmun and his wife, Doris, live in Snyder, just west of Lawton. However, the chief's wife is known worldwide for her work as a plus-sized model on a pornographic Web site.

Officials said the Snyder mayor is requesting an investigation by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. Technically, the mayor cannot request an OSBI investigation. However, the district attorney's office can, and officials said the focus of any such investigation would be to determine whether city computers were used for the pictures and if that violates the city's charter.

"This came to light because some of the people in town went onto the Internet to download pictures of her and started passing them out around the citizens here in town," said Mayor Dale Moore.

Moore said he's trying to decide what's best for Snyder -- to keep a chief who many believe doesn't share their morals or to fire a man who's keeping residents safe.

"He's done more drug arrests, solved more crimes than anybody else in town has ever done," Moore said.

Resident Bryan Norton said he wants the chief fired.

"When our kids come home from school telling us that the chief's wife is a porno queen, how do you answer that?" said Norton

You Cum Like a Girl

Like many standup comedians, Cathy Carlson has a signature line in her act: “You cum like a girl.” Though not as suit-and-tie quaint as Rodney Dangerfield’s “I don’t get no respect,” it’s all hers. Or at least she’d like it to be. Carlson has emblazoned her five favorite words in pink letters on tank tops, T-shirts and spanky pants, which she sells at outdoor street fairs and via her Web site (www.youcumlikeagirl.com). Several months before she started the apparel line, she attempted to register her catch phrase with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO). What she got in return was a resounding NO! and a sizable porn collection on her computer hard drive, compliments of our own federal government.

Carlson discovered the unusual gift of porn one morning two months ago when she found four separate pieces of correspondence from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in her personal e-mail account. In each were literally dozens of photographs of women covered in ejaculate and no letter of explanation.

“What does this have to do with my shirt?” Carlson remembers thinking.

Maybe, she thought, the sender — Patrick Shanahan, the examining attorney in charge of her case — had mixed up his prepositions. “It’s not ‘You cum on a girl’s face,’ it’s ‘You cum like a girl,’ you know?” says Carlson. “He’s completely missed the point of this shirt. So something that’s harmless and funny, he’s linked it to pornographic images? I don’t have photos on my shirt. I don’t have pictures of girls being ejaculated on their faces.”

The following day she received a fifth e-mail, which apparently had been sent with the others but somehow got lost in cyberspace. This time, there were only words. Citing Section 2 (a) of the Trademark Act, Carlson’s application to register the phrase “You cum like a girl” had been refused on the grounds of being “scandalous” and “vulgar,” with the phrase’s offending verb defined as a “vulgar slang term for ejaculation at the time of orgasm.” Shanahan provided examples of similar rejections and explained why other attempts to register phrases with “cum” passed muster and Carlson’s didn’t. He also suggested why the word “orgasm” might make a suitable PG-13 replacement. Shanahan did include one small conciliatory detail in the haze of constrained legalese: an expression of discomfort at having to send an avalanche of visual aids — unearthed by way of a Google search — to “illustrate the predominant connotation of the term ‘cum.’”

“He said he knows this is considered distasteful, but he’s sending them anyway,” Carlson remembers. “He could have sent one picture. He sent 10 megabytes.”

Of course, if there is such a thing as a Homestead Act for catch phrases, Carlson already has ownership. Back in 2000, she hit upon the saying as a conversational starting point with audience members. “I’d look at a guy and say, ‘I’ll bet you cum like a girl,’ then everyone would laugh,” she says. “It worked for me.”

Carlson, a red-haired, tattooed one-woman cottage industry — she’s a comic, an actress, an occasional personal assistant, and co-producer of the BBC America comedy series The World Stands Up — also liked that the phrase might be empowering to some women.

“Facials, pearl necklaces, happy endings, those are actually things that are precious to women, and guys have taken them and used them pornographically,” says Carlson, sitting in front of a Starbucks in Hollywood on a recent afternoon in ripped jeans, flip-flops and lavender sunglasses. “So I started taking phrases and using them so they couldn’t have them anymore. ‘You cum like a girl’ was one of those things.”

It’s easy to envision Carlson in a rented booth at Gay Pride events employing her preferred mode of selling: shouting “Hey!” at passersby and then holding up one of her bumper stickers when they turn their heads. She really felt she was on to something last June at San Francisco’s famous Gay Pride free-for-all, where she not only sold all of her stock, but her bag of samples was stolen too.

All this has made Carlson eager to fight back. In February, before sending her the results of his thorough Google search, Shanahan had denied Carlson’s registration application on the grounds that according to the American Heritage dictionary, “ ‘cum’ refers to semen, and is thus scandalous because the mark [the trademark] implies that the consumers of the goods are those who orgasm like a girl.” In response, Carlson sought the advice of patent attorney Matthew Jodziewicz. By going to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office Web site and checking phrases that the government does consider permissible, Jodziewicz helped her put together the appeal that led to Shanahan’s visual aids and final refusal.

“I was shocked and surprised. Just think of any obscenity and run it through [the USPTO search at www.uspto.gov] and there they are, out there and registered,” he says. Jodziewicz and Carlson crafted a rebuttal that, among other things, provided examples of currently protected phrases that she regards as not just blue, but profane, including “Evil Pussy,” “Wimpy Dicks” and “Just Suck It.” She also pointed out that a company that distributes prerecorded DVDs, video CDs and VHS tapes featuring adult content called “Cum Together” got okayed.

“A lot of times, for the right reasons or wrong reasons, the double-entendre will take it out of the totally vulgar category,” says Shanahan, reached last week by the L.A. Weekly at his Alexandria, Virginia, office. “Now, the term ‘cum-furt,’ ” he added, using an expired trademark for illustration, “that’s just a different spelling of ‘comfort.’ ”

Shanahan’s voice over the phone is matter-of-fact, not defensive, like a schoolteacher having to tutor one more student in his area of expertise. Asked to explain why so many triple-X-rated pages were sent to Carlson, Shanahan frames his answer as a case of USPTO protocol: He has to make his argument as complete as possible in case it goes before the Trademark Trial Appeal Board. “I personally have never sent them in the 15 years I’ve been doing this... I wasn’t happy to do it.”

But why images of women being ejaculated on instead of actually having an orgasm? Shanahan didn’t pause before answering, “I don’t think that really matters. What does that phrase mean otherwise?”

Well, there is a difference between what testicles create, and what you do in a moment of ecstasy. Noun versus verb. Shanahan’s misreading is just one element that puts Carlson on firm ground for an appeal. A case can also be made, says civil rights attorney Patty Bellasalma, that there are other meanings for “cum” besides the one Shanahan sourced in the American Heritage dictionary. In Latin, “cum” also means “together with, plus.” “I’m sure that the American Heritage dictionary says that this term can be used as a vulgar phrase, but I’m sure that it also doesn’t say that ‘cum laude’ is vulgar,” says Bellasalma. “You could make a very credible argument that it is a double-entendre. That it means that you’re ‘with’ a girl.”

Recently, Carlson went to the ACLU for help while attorney Jodziewicz mulls over the best avenue for an appeal. In the meantime, her merchandise — she’s expanded her minibrand to also include “I cum like a girl” — is now being sold at Hustler Hollywood, a somehow fitting touch, given that the 12-store chain is owned by First Amendment–rights pioneer Larry Flynt. And of course, Carlson knows that Shanahan and the Patent and Trademark Office have given her all sorts of new material for her act, like the fact that Shanahan was on the clock when he surfed the Net for porn, or that the name “Dykes-on-Bikes” was deemed scandalous and offensive for three years before federal property rights were granted to the lesbian motorcycle group. She’s also printing an excerpt from the rejection in tiny type on the inside of her T-shirts. In the end, though, she just wants to own her silly, shocking and profitable five-word phrase.

Dolphin Sex for Beginners

Every wanted to have regular sex with an animal?
Some nice people on the internet have kindly
written up foolproof ways and rules for chatting
up the beasts. This week - dolphin males:

1. How to know if the dolphin wants sex?
"They will swim around, sporting an erection."

2. What's a dolphin penis like?
"S-shaped, tapered at the end. It feels very
much like the rest of the dolphin, i.e.
smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer.
And painfully rigid when erect. From 14 inches
to 5 inches, depending on species."

3. What about masturbating the dolphin?
"It takes around 40 seconds. The force of
ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it
is best to keep your face out of the line of
fire. Do not try to give full throat. A male
dolphin could snap your neck in an
accidental thrust."

4. You refer to your aquatic sex partner as
a "fin".

5. Always spend time with the dolphin after sex.
"Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and
show them that you love them."

6. Where can I find a dolphin to mate with?
"Aquariums are a bad choice, for many reasons."

7. The dolphin's anus is called the Afterslit.
"You should never let a male dolphin attempt
anal sex with you. The thrusting and the
force of ejaculation (up to 14 feet) would cause
serious internal injuries."

Cell Phone Up the Butt

This image provided by the Direction of Penal Centers of El Salvador shows an x-ray taken of one of four prisoners at a maximum security Salvadoran prison in Zacatecoluca, 35 miles southeast of the capital of El Salvador. Four cellular telephones were found in the intestines of as many prisoners in El Salvador's maximum-security prison, authorities said Wednesday, Sept. 6, 2006. The discovery happened Tuesday at the prison in Zacatecoluca after suspicious prison officials took x-rays of each of the prisoners, prison spokesman Jaime Villanova said. (AP Photo/Centros Penales)

Gravediggers Go After Girl

Three men charged with attempting to rob a grave Saturday in Cassville were doing so because one of the men had seen the dead woman's obituary photo and wanted to have sex with her body, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday in Grant County Circuit Court.

The men had stopped at a Wal-Mart and bought condoms before heading to the cemetery, police said.

"One of the crimes we study in abnormal criminal behavior is necrophilia. I guess that would be the motive," Grant County Sheriff Keith Govier said Tuesday, adding that he had never before dealt with such a case.

Govier said the men apparently didn't know the dead woman.

"They just saw her obituary picture in the newspaper," he said.

Cassville Police Officer Brent McDonald was sent to St. Charles Cemetery in Cassville about 11 p.m. Saturday on a citizen's report of a suspicious vehicle.

McDonald found Alex Grunke, 20, of Ridgeway, dressed in black.

Grunke was "extremely nervous" and "sweating on a very cool night," McDonald said in an interview. Grunke told McDonald that two other men were in the cemetery digging up the grave of Laura Tennessen, 20, who died Aug. 27 after being thrown from the back of a motorcycle.

At Tennessen's grave, officers found a hole that uncovered the concrete vault that encases the coffin. The two men were gone.

Sunday morning, Nicholas Grunke, 20, of Ridgeway, and Dustin Radke, 20, of Dodgeville, were found walking along Highway 81 in Beetown, about eight miles from the cemetery. The Grunkes are twin brothers.

Each man was charged with being party to attempted third- degree sexual assault and being party to attempted misdemeanor theft. Bond was set at $1,000 each for the Grunke brothers and $1,500 for Radke.

According to the complaint, Radke told police that Nicholas Grunke asked him to help dig up the grave so that Grunke could take the corpse behind his house in Ridgeway and have sexual intercourse with the body. On the way to the cemetery, the men stopped at the Dodgeville Wal-Mart and bought condoms, Radke told police.

Govier said he spoke with members of the Tennessen family about the incident.

"I can't come to the word to describe (what they're going through)," he said. "Having to put their daughter to rest, and then having to deal with this. It opens up wounds that I don't know anybody could experience."

The Rev. John Norder, Laura Tennessen's priest at St. Charles Catholic Church, said she was the type of person who was always smiling and never judged others.

"She always said, 'You know, you never know what people have been through in their lives.' (She was) a really good kid."

Kerra

Fergie in England

This is the "before" pic from the orgy. I don't really want to see the after pic.

From the Bastardly.

Fergie in England

This is the "before" pic from the orgy. I don't really want to see the after pic.

From the Bastardly.